4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking!
He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys. I am sorry Dad."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once"
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....
I told my son, "Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy.""
My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart.
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife.
For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men: Drink less (it's totally no no for Muslim), smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
Kalau ada antara korang rasa filem ni tak best ke, atau apa sekalipun, aku pedulik ape. Yang penting, dalam keadaan emosi aku yang tunggang langgang ni, aku mampu ketawa dengan riang ria masa tonton filem Pisau Cukur semalam. For me, Bernard Chauly, pengarah Pisau Cukur telah berjaya menghasilkan satu filem komedi melayu yang gempak. Congratulations to Bernard Chauly, krews dan semua artis yang terlibat. Excellent!
Saya mahu tonton lagi. Along, belanja boleh? Huhuhu.
Jam sekarang pukul 1.58am waktu Malaysia. Aku adalah lapar dan aku adalah mengantuk.
Perut aku kemain sakan lagi dok berkeroncong lagu Ding Dang Mainan Datang Lagi Dendang Sayang kerana sangat lapar tapi mulut dan tekak aku plak dok mogok tak mahu terima sebarang bendasing. Asal makan je, muntah. Asal telan je, kuar balik. Camne tu? Inilah yang dikatakan, Bak membelah kepayang muda: dimakan mabuk, dicampak sayang.
ertinya; Menghadapi sesuatu masalah yang sangat sulit; dalam keadaan yang seba salah.
Salah satu tabiat aku selepas mandi ialah mem-flush toilet bowl. Sejak bila ada tabiat ni pun entahlah. Petang tadi, mungkin kuasa Sailormoon SuperSaiya yang melampau, pemegang flush tersebut rosak sebab tarik kuat sangat. Konon nak jadik super hero, aku try nak repair sendiri. Sudahnya, bukan setakat pemegang flush, segala galanya terus takleh berfungsi. Padan muka aku sendiri. Inilah yang dikatakan, Kali sebentuk, umpannya seekor, sekali putus sehari berhanyut.
ertinya; Berbuat sesuatu tidak dengan memikirkan bekalan, modal dan sebagainya sehingga akhirnya mendapat kesusahan dan kecewa.
Khamis lepas, masa kat kampung, henpon tetiba buat hal. Screen rosak and tetiba jadi blank. Ingatkan boleh guna henpon lama sebagai back up. Rupanya, henpon lama pun dah kaput. Haih. Apa nak buat. Sudah kering terjemur pula, sudah garing kena ramas pula.
Last week, aku keluar nonton filem Papadom dengan Along. Papadom memang superb. Apa yang boleh aku katakan;
Papadom is a great movie from Afdlin Shauki. It's an wonderful film about love, relationships, family, friendship, maturity and growing up. Sangat best. Congratulations and keep up the good work bro!
On the way balik from cinema, kitaorang singgah kejap kat Shell untuk isi minyak. Sebelum nak isi minyak, aku ajak Along ke tandas kejap. Maklumlah, perempuan. Huhuhu..
Sampai kat toilet, Along terjerit sebab terkejut tengok ada orang lelaki tengah buang air berdiri. Kebetulan plak, mamat tu tak kunci pun. Aku pun cecepat lari tengok signboard kat pintu nak confirmkan tu toilet perempuan atau lelaki. Mujurlah kitaorang masuk toilet yang betul. Aku ngan Along pun keluar la dulu tunggu kat depan pintu sampai mamat tu selesai urusan beliau.
Kesian jugak kat mamat tu. Tersipu sipu je dia keluar dari toilet. Langsung tak angkat muka. Haih, takut jugak kalau kena kat aku satu hari nanti. Isk.. malu tau!
Aku pun kenkadang, selalu memalukan diri aku sendiri di tempat awam.
Antara kejadian memalukan yang aku ingat;
Opis aku memang membenarkan staffnya untuk berpakaian kasual ke pejabat. So, memang dah jadik peberet aku untuk pakai jeans je selalunya ke opis kecuali pada bulan Ramadan sebab sepanjang bulan Ramadan, aku hanya akan berbaju kurung.
Satu pagi tu, aku brenti kat stesen minyak area umah aku. Memang biasanya aku akan isi minyak kat situ and almost semua pekerja kat situ aku dah kenal. Maklumlah, aku ni kan ramah tamah berhemah orangnya. Hahaha. Gurau je lah.
Masa aku nak gi bayar duit petrol kat kaunter, aku perasan, ada sorang pekerja baru tengah jaga cashier. Pengkid. Dari mula aku masuk pintu, sampailah aku jalan ke kaunter, dia usyar aku semacam. Mujurlah aku bukan jenis kontrol cun pehtu nak gelabah syoksendirikononlawa semua tu. Tapi, perasan lah jugak kan. Dok pikir lah jugak dalam hati, apehal plak pengkid ni tengok aku semacam.
Sampai kat kaunter;
"Pam No 9, RM50 yea, " aku cakap sambil wat muka macho konon konon.
"RM50, ok. Psstt.. eh awak, saya nak cakap sikit boleh?", cashier tu tanya aku ala ala nada berbisik.
"Err.. boleh. Ape dia?" cuak juga aku bila dia tanya camtu tapi jawab je lah kan. Mana tau kot dia nak tanya aku nak petrol free ke ape ke, aku jugak untung ye tak?
Pehtu, pengkid cashier tu cakap lagi sambil ala ala bisik, "Zip seluar jeans awak terbuka. Dari tadi lagi saya nak tegur."
Malu aku siottttttttttttt! Cecepat aku say thanks kat pengkid cashier tu pehtu aku blah jalan lelaju sambil bertindak pantas tarik jeans seluar aku. Sib baik awal pagi camtu tak ramai orang. Kalau tidak? *&^%$#@!!!
Kes ni jadik masa nak gi Majlis Nana Bebeh bertunang dulu. Agak lama jugak dah tapi, pada lokasi dan dengan orang yang sama jugak. Hampeh btol.
Oh ya, nama pengkid cashier tu Ray. Nama timangan dia je lah. Nama betul, takyah la aku letak kat sini kot. Bukan korang kenal pun kan? Huhuhu..
Awal pagi, lepas dah bersiap siap kuar dari umah, sebelum gi amik Suraya Bebeh, singgah kejap isi petrol kat Stesen Minyak biasa yang selalu aku pergi.
Dari rumah, kitaorang plan untuk pakai baju kurung terus. Senang nanti takyah nak tukar baju ape semua bila dah sampai JB, umah Nana Bebeh. Aku plak, kebetulan aritu, gedik nak pakai baju kurung putih. Konon suci la gitu. Katanya..
Masuk je kat pintu, aku tengok, Ray tengah jaga kaunter. Aku senyum je macam biasa. Tapi, dia usyar aku semacam plak. Pelik jugak aku. Nak kata aku tak tutup zip seluar jeans, aku tengah pakai baju kurung kot kan? So, aku wat bodo je lah. Siap pusing pusing jap dalam tu cari junk food nak buat bekal.
Sampai kat kaunter;
"Saya nak isi penuh tapi camne yea? Atau saya isi RM50 dulu kot kan?" aku cakap kat Ray.
"Nak jalan jauh ke? Oklah, isi RM50 dulu yea. Eh awak, lepas ni terus pergi ke? Saya nak cakap sikit ni," Ray tundukkan sikit kepala sambil cakap separuh berbisik kat aku.
"Hahahaha. Nak kata zip seluar tak tutup lah tu. Saya tak pakai jeans tau hari ni," aku jawab sambil gedik gedik show off baju kurung putih aku.
Sambil senyum, Ray beritahu, "I know. Bukan zip seluar tapi, saya rasa awak bocor lah. Baju awak dah la putih, nampak jelas tau!"
Hah? OMG! Omaigod! Oh My! Arrghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Knowing me, aku sangat tak suka kalau benda yang aku buat betul, tapi orang kata salah. Especially, perkara yang melibatkan kerja.
Last week, aku check, ada error alert yang dihantar untuk kes yang aku penah handle walhal kes tu dah settle tapi ada kes baru masuk yang di-handle oleh orang lain. Makanya, meletuplah aku kan.
Dalam keadaan marah tu, laju je aku karang email siap print screen segala bahan bukti apa semualah untuk dihantar pada pihak yang berkenaan. Tapi, takde lah tulis secara formal pun. Cuma nak menegakkan keadilan je konsepnya. Wah, gitu..
Selesai je aku send email tu, 10 minit later, ada reply;
Rasanya adik ni da salah org kot…. :)
Nama sama tapi ayah kami berbeza.
Huwaaaa.. memang aku salah orang pun. Apsal la aku tak tengok bebetul sebelum aku send email tu. Nama sama tapi nama ayahnya berbeza.
Aku reply balik the email;
Opss.. Maaf.. Maaf..
Aiyok, salah orang. Aduh, malunya. Huhuhu..
Korang pernah tak rasa dimalukan di khalayak ramai? Apa perasaan bila dimalukan camtu? Malu? Muka jadi merah padam macam tomato masak? Ada rasa nak lari menyorok bawah meja tak? Hikhikhik..
Anyway, aku sangat percaya pada kata kata ini;
A life spent making mistakes is not only honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. Mistakes are lesson of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.
Beben, sebuah blog yang baik dan setia. Tak penah menyakiti aku tapi sentiasa rela untuk disakiti. Tidak berjantina dan tidak bernyawa. Sangat pendiam dan sangat memahami. Kalau rasa penulisan aku di sini kurang enak bagi kalian, bolehlah klik butang
X belah kanan atas browser anda.
berjemput, pergi juga tak dihalau. oh yea, did i tell y'all that i
stalkers? so, please back off. Mekasih.
If God wanted us to
talk more than listen, He would have given us two mouths rather than two
Me, Myself & I
I am just a simple girl with a simple life. I love nobody except my Mak, Abah and my family.
Simplicity is the new complex.
email untuk perkara
je. kalau rasa tak penting, sila jangan
email. pasti tidak akan dilayan.
saya bukan artis mahupun